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Now that we’ve got just two {!} foster kids that are a little older, I’m beginning to notice a pattern. I’m sure this is not limited to kids in foster care but I think the family situation that gets kids into foster care makes it much more acute.

The pattern has to do with dependence. By this I mean, when the older child takes the role of the ‘parent’ and does things that parents should do but dont. Things like watching the kids, tucking them in at night, tying their laces, speaking on their behalf etc. etc.

As a foster parent, maybe I’m a little more tuned into these things because I am looking for ways to step in and take the role but if one child is already doing it for a sibling then there are a few ways to go about it.

We could:

-Allow the child to continue in the quasi parenting role

-Nip it in the bud and demand that it stop immediately

-Slowly wean the children away from this pattern and explain why it’s not helpful

For whatever reason, we chose to go with the last approach. This is one of those things that at first blush doesn’t seem so serious but when you find out more and more, it seems a little more serious than just a cute behavior.

As an example, the younger child who is 8 years old cannot tie his shoe laces. I just found this out today when I asked why the older child was in his room helping him get dressed for school. She explained that the younger child doesn’t know how to tie his laces. Well….he’s not going to learn if you tie them every day!

Of course the oldest child was only trying to be helpful but in the absence of parental attention, this seemingly innocuous behavior takes on a level of importance that really creates dependence in all concerned.

What I mean by that is the parents probably are OK with letting the child do this because it’s easier, the older child likes doing it because it makes him/her feel important, and the younger child lets it happen because it is attention that is probably not coming from the parents.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you see how this could be a pattern that needs correction or do you think this is a live and let live type of thing?

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